“Unhealthy Helping” — When the Weight Was Never Yours to Carry

“You don’t have to light yourself on fire to keep others warm.” — Unknown

In both my personal life and my work with clients, one pattern keeps showing up: the tendency to take responsibility for burdens that never belonged to us.

It can look like:

• absorbing emotional consequences for others

• preventing them from experiencing natural outcomes of their choices

• carrying anxiety for their feelings, decisions, or failures

• paying bills, doing work, solving problems, or managing emotions they refuse to manage themselves

  
  

And all of this is often done while quietly telling ourselves:

“If only they would change, then I could finally live my life.”

But freedom never comes from waiting on someone else. It comes from recognizing which things are yours to carry and which are not.

What Codependency Really Is

For many years, I misunderstood codependency as something that applied only to:

• people partnered with addicts

• those trapped in abusive relationships

• extreme enabling situations

  
  

Only later did I recognize the truth: Codependency is not always dramatic. Sometimes it’s subtle. Sometimes it looks noble. Sometimes it’s applauded.

Unhealthy Helping

Sometimes, our helping can be detrimental to our own well-being. And, in many instances, it can make our own lives become unmanageable. Helping that:

• protects others from consequences they need to feel

• creates dependency instead of responsibility

• drains us to the point of resentment, dysfunction, or burnout

• is driven by anxiety relief, not love

  
  

Even well intended rescuing can be a tool we use to calm our own fear.

The Backpack Analogy

Imagine every person carries a backpack filled with rocks that represent their personal responsibilities:

• integrity

• emotional regulation

• work ethic

• physical self care

• bills, relationships, personal growth, choices, and consequences

  
  

A codependent person tends to:

1. reach into someone else’s backpack

2. remove their rocks

3. carry them as their own

   
   

The result?

We begin to carry not only our own heavy rocks, but the rocks of those around us. We become overloaded and resentful, while the other person never develops the muscles they need to grow.

Healthy Helping vs. Codependent Helping

Healthy Helping	Codependent Helping
temporary support during crisis	long term rescuing beyond crisis
empowers responsibility	removes responsibility
has boundaries	feels compulsive, fearful, or anxious
preserves consequences	interferes with consequences
occasional generosity	chronic self sacrifice

Helping becomes codependency when:

We keep the rock long after the person is capable of carrying it themselves.

How to Identify Codependency in Yourself

Here are clear signs the weight may not be yours:

• You feel guilty saying no

• You fear someone’s disappointment more than you value your peace

• You obsess over fixing others’ problems

• You absorb emotional responsibility for their emotions

• You help even when it harms you (energetically, financially, emotionally)

• You resent the people you rescue

• You equate love with being needed

• You confuse self care with selfishness

• You experience anxiety when you don’t rescue

• Your identity feels tied to solving others’ lives

  
  

Steps to Identify Your Own Codependency

1. Notice the Anxiety

Ask yourself:

• Do I help because I love them or because I can’t tolerate the fear of what might happen if I don’t?

  
  

2. Ask: “What would happen if I stepped back?”

If the answer is:

• they would face consequences

• they might fail

• they might get mad

• they might finally take responsibility

• nothing catastrophic would happen

  
  

…then the rock may be theirs, not yours.

3. Identify the Cost

Write down what your helping is costing you:

• money

• emotional stability

• sleep

• peace

• time

• physical health

• creativity

• spiritual focus

• mental clarity

  
  

If the cost is too high, the helping may be unhealthy.

4. Separate Feelings from Responsibility

Just because you feel the weight doesn’t mean you own the weight.

5. Trace the Origin

Reflect back:

• When did I first learn that my needs matter less than others?

• Who taught me that love must be earned through sacrifice?

• When did I start believing I have no worth unless I serve?

  
  

6. Define the Boundaries

A simple but powerful rule:

“I will help you, but I will not rescue you.”

3 Practical Tools for Boundary Reset

A. The 24 Hour Pause

Before solving someone’s crisis, or even saying yes to a commitment or request, wait 24 hours (unless it is truly life threatening). See if the urgency fades. This simple act can help you to determine what you truly want, and whether you actually do want to help, or if you are compelled by unhealthy reasons.

B. The Ownership Question

Say (even silently):

• “This is not my responsibility to fix.”

• “They are capable of carrying their own consequence.”

• “My role is not to prevent their growth.”

  
  

C. The Rock Return Visualization

Imagine handing the rock back and saying:

“I carried this because I love you. But you are strong enough to carry it yourself now.”

The Hidden Heart of Codependency

Codependency whispers:

“You matter less.”

“You must earn love.”

“You are only worthy if you fix, serve, and sacrifice.”

Truth answers back:

“Love that must be earned is not love.”

“Helping that destroys you helps no one.”

“Boundaries are not rejection, they are clarity.”

A Final Reframe

The most loving thing we can do for someone is not always to reduce their pain,but sometimes to allow them to feel it long enough that they finally want a different life.

And the most healing thing we can do for ourselves is to stop carrying what was never ours to carry.