Why Most People Would Rather Die Than Have a Hard Conversation

Carey Marshall
Sep 4
3 min read

There’s something most humans tend to avoid at all costs: conflict.

For many of us, it feels like one of the worst things that could happen—being forced into a situation where we must disagree with someone, assert a boundary, or say something that risks disapproval. Somehow, our brains have convinced us that conflict is not just uncomfortable, but downright dangerous. As if conflict itself sits right next to death on the scale of human fears.

So, we spend enormous amounts of energy tiptoeing around it. We rehearse conversations in our heads. We swallow our feelings. We over-explain. We people-please. And sometimes, we avoid the conversation altogether—hoping things will just work themselves out (they usually don’t).

Why We Go Passive

Often, when we do try to speak up, we communicate our needs in sideways or “passive” ways. Instead of clearly saying, “I need this,” we hint. We soften. We hope the other person will “just get it.”

Why do we do this? Here are a few common reasons:

Fear of rejection – We don’t want to be seen as difficult, needy, or too much.
Fear of anger – We’re afraid the other person will explode, withdraw, or punish us for speaking up.
Fear of loss – Sometimes we worry that if we bring up an issue, the relationship itself could be at risk.
Uncertainty of worth – Deep down, we may question whether our needs are valid or whether we’re “allowed” to ask for what we want.
Old patterns – Maybe we grew up in a home where conflict was unsafe, explosive, or never allowed. Our bodies remember, and so we repeat.

The Cost of Avoidance

Avoiding conflict may feel safe in the moment, but it comes at a high price. When we don’t clearly communicate our boundaries and needs:

Resentment builds beneath the surface.
Relationships stay shallow instead of deepening through honesty.
Misunderstandings multiply.
Our sense of self-worth erodes—we start believing our needs don’t matter.
Stress shows up in our bodies (tight shoulders, headaches, anxiety).

Conflict avoidance doesn’t protect relationships—it slowly poisons them.

Healthy Conflict Leads to Connection

The truth is, conflict isn’t the enemy. Unhealthy conflict is.

Healthy conflict is simply two people being honest about what they need and finding a way forward that respects both sides. In fact, conflict handled well can actually build trust, intimacy, and respect. When you can disagree with someone, survive it, and come out stronger, that’s when you know the relationship is real.

How to Move Toward Healthy Conflict

If you’ve been avoiding conflict, here are a few shifts to start practicing:

Name your need clearly. Don’t just drop the hints. Say it straight. “I need…” is a complete sentence.
Detach from the outcome. You can ask for what you need without controlling how the other person responds.
Stay calm, not combative. Speak with clarity, not volume.
Listen as much as you talk. Conflict is a two-way street—hear the other side fully.
Reframe it. Instead of seeing conflict as a threat, start viewing it as an opportunity for growth.

Final Thought

Conflict doesn’t have to be a battlefield. It can be a bridge. Every time you speak up, you reclaim a little more of your voice, your power, and your authenticity.

So the next time you feel yourself shrinking back, remember: avoiding conflict doesn’t keep the peace—it just keeps you silent. And your voice matters too much to stay silent.

Sending Love,

Carey

P.S. If you find yourself expressing your needs in the relationships in your life, and you are met with a lack of desire to listen, well, now, that's an entirely different blog topic altogether, isn't it?